Dear New York Times Contributor,
The next time you plan to renovate the only bathroom you have in your apartment, consider these options:
1. Please stay in a hotel;
2. Stay with friends/ neighbors/relatives;
3. Take a vacation and travel somewhere;
4. Did I mention – stay in a hotel?
Whatever you decide to do, please do not decide to use the kitchen as a bathroom. That sort of thinking should usually disappear at age 3. If you are even thinking about it seriously, you need to see a therapist. Since you live in NYC, you can find one in every block, right beside the Starbucks.
If you are going to do something this gross, though, please don’t tell the world about it. Please DO NOT write an article in the NYT about how to soap yourself while showering in a storage box. Or even worse, about pouring your urine down the kitchen sink. I really don’t want to know. Yes, really. I’m sure the rest of NYT’s readers too, would rather live out their lives without this information.
(Although, tell your landlady. Any person who plans to lease the apartment next might be very interested).
Dear New York Times,
1. What were you thinking?
2. Did you think this article was
(a) educational ?
(b) funny ?
(c) interesting ?
3. If this is going to be a regular feature, what will you publish next on these lines? I cannot even begin to imagine.
Just so you know, I like to read your newspaper over my morning tea, and I also like to read it without gagging.
It looks like I now have to choose between the Times and my tea.
I heard your circulation is decreasing every year. I wonder why?